I have reached a point where I cannot write anymore. I have tried for weeks; each attempt proving to be fruitless. I had hoped that by writing about not being able to write would kick start me somehow. This is not the case. Writing this post into some sort of cohesive form is a struggle.

Maybe the words will come back.

Perhaps they won’t.

Send help. Please.

…what this couple are looking at?

What has captured their gaze?

What are they drinking?

What is the louder sound – the crackling fire or the lapping waves?

How happy are they?

Today marks 350 days since I last found myself clinging on to the side of a glass seeking comfort and solace.

350 days since I searched for a way to deal with social situations and being so desperate to be accepted.

350 days since I put myself and others in danger, losing all sense of risk.

350 days since I tried to drown out the years of suffering.

350 days since I lost all control.

350 days since I found my freedom.

350 days.

I turned 40 yesterday. Apart from a few extra grey and white hairs in my beard, I don’t look any different from a year ago. I certainly don’t feel any different. I think I was almost expecting some epiphany of sorts. Nothing has changed though.

I am grateful for having survived over 14,600 days alive. It’s statistically unlikely I’ll manage anywhere near that number for my remaining years. I am going to make sure I’ll make the most out of whatever time is left.

Today marks 300 days since I last found myself clinging on to the side of a glass seeking comfort and solace.

300 days since I searched for a way to deal with social situations and being so desperate to be accepted.

300 days since I put myself and others in danger, losing all sense of risk.

300 days since I tried to drown out the years of suffering.

300 days since I lost all control.

300 days since I found my freedom.

300 days.

Today marks 250 days since I last found myself clinging on to the side of a glass seeking comfort and solace.

250 days since I searched for a way to deal with social situations and being so desperate to be accepted.

250 days since I put myself and others in danger, losing all sense of risk.

250 days since I tried to drown out the years of suffering.

250 days since I lost all control.

250 days since I found my freedom.

250 days.

Today marks 200 days since I last found myself clinging on to the side of a glass seeking comfort and solace.

200 days since I searched for a way to deal with social situations and being so desperate to be accepted.

200 days since I put myself and others in danger, losing all sense of risk.

200 days since I tried to drown out the years of suffering.

200 days since I lost all control.

200 days since I found my freedom.

200 days.