Full Circle

I find myself at the beginning of my journey once more. I had hoped that this time my travels would have led to a happier destination. It was not to be. Attempts to fit in have failed. I have remained on the periphery, outside of the circles I have longed to become part of. It seems as if all the stages of my life repeat on a loop, the only difference being the ageing process. The more I’ve been left outside, the harder I’ve tried to get in. I have repeatedly failed. When I have managed to gain access to the circles, I’ve then been pushed out. Not intentionally in many cases; just forgotten about, without malice, without intention. It’s just happened. Why is this so difficult to take in? Probably because history repeats itself time and time again. I don’t seem to learn from each experience.

I wish I could understand why I continually crave acceptance when I know that each time I’ll end up cast aside. Perhaps I think that ‘this time’ will be the ‘right time’ and I’ll finally fit in? Perhaps. Attempting to prove all of those wrong; those who said that I wouldn’t make anything of myself. Yet they were right all along. I have to accept now that I’m not meant to be part of a community, of a group. No more seeking ‘followers’, ‘likes’, ‘hearts’, ‘reblogs’, ‘comments’ (positive and negative). I have to stand alone, have to stand apart. I’m not meant to have that type of life. I should just accept what is. I should just stop trying. The only way to do that (with any remote possibility of success) is removing myself from those arenas. Last week I managed to take the first step. Today I’ve managed (with regret) to take the second step. The third step has too much of a sense of finality about it, completely deleting accounts altogether. I’m not quite ready for that. Just walking away and stepping back is enough for the time being. My absence will not be noticed anyway. Time to keep myself rooted in the ‘real’ world, as horrible as that actually is.

Maybe that is the essence of the problem! Reality is so horrid and fucked up I seek acceptance online.

Shit.

*unplugs self from the Internet*

(not really)

So. It’s time to dust myself down again. There’s not much point in attempting to ‘pick myself up’ again though. Not when I’ll only get knocked down again. I’m better off just looking up from now on.

Even though it’ll give me one hell of a crick in my neck.

See? Even in the depths of despair I can still make an attempt at a joke. A self-deprecating one, but that’s all I’m really good at.

It’s time to take a different road.

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