Thoughts

How all the other passions fleet to air
As doubtful thoughts, and rash embraced despair
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess
I feel too much thy blessing: make it less
For fear I surfeit

I really need to learn to be grateful for what I have. I’m so fortunate for all of those I have in my life; all those who share parts of their lives with me do so without prejudice, without judgement. I should not ask for more from them. They give me what they can. They have their own lives to lead and I have to accept whatever place or position I have with them.

I cannot expect to be at the forefront of their minds.

It’s a weakness I’m trying to resolve. It’s far from easy, but I’m making more of an effort.

It comes from always having been put down, always being made to feel inferior. Having developed a friendship in which I feel valued and loved, I’m now (rather immaturely) constantly needing attention and love. I know this.

At this point, I can hear my father in my head calling me an asshole and can see him raising his fist.

The bastard.

Is there a purpose to this post? (Is there a purpose to any of your posts?)

Well, it’s an active reminder to my idiot self that I need to exorcise some of my demons that have an awfully bad habit of worming their way back into my subconscious from time to time. I wish they could be expunged in one fell swoop. Obliterate them so that I can be free of every single insecurity, every major character flaw, every ridiculous hang up I have about myself.

By Christ. I’m 40 years old next year. Here I am whining like an angst ridden teen. I should have gotten over this a quarter of a century ago.

See? That’s exactly the problem. You never did. You never had the opportunity to do so. These issues should have been put to rest so long ago, not laying dormant and rising to the surface every single time things start to go well for you. The little boy isn’t afraid anymore, but his reflection is there in the mirror, despite the attempted changes in appearance.

I need to accept things as they are. To be grateful for what I have and not expect more. I need to live and be alive. I need to be.

To all those that I love and hold most dear: thank you for accepting me as I am, my flaws, my faults, my idiosyncrasies. I’m trying to make myself a better person. I really am.

Thank you for all that you do and continue to do. I love and adore you with all my heart.

Always.

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